Oh, but I do. See, I chose this. All of it. It’s mine!
So many times people have told me I don’t know how lucky I am, referring to my wonderful husband. (Husband, not hubby, husband).
I cringe at these naysayers. I call them naysayers because as nice a compliment it might sound I take offense. They imply that I don’t know how good I have it or that I take my husband for granted. I DO know how good I have it and I DON’T take him for granted.
Part of what makes my relationship work is that it is not public information. We are private people and don’t share our bumps and dips. We don’t always share our praises either, it’s not in our nature. I take offense because it also implies that he is not as lucky as I am to have me as I am to have him. It implies that he’s too good for me or I don’t deserve to have him.
The fact of the matter is I never wanted to be married or have kids. As condescending as it sounds, it’s true. I NEVER WANTED THIS! The house; the kids; the husband, none of it! The fact is that any relationship I entertained in the past broke my heart in a million pieces. The fact is my parents were no good for each other and raised a family in a tumultuous environment because of it. The fact is I swore I would not end up like my parents, like my mother. I swore I would not bring children into this world for fear of them ending up like me. The fact is I felt I wasn’t good enough. I was the epitome of NO self esteem. Not low self esteem, NO self esteem. (keep in mind this paragraph is past tense)
Until I met him.
The story of us is long and complicated (and personal). Until I met him, I didn’t want any of those things because I didn’t believe there was anyone out there that would change all that for me. I was wrong times a million. There was someone out there for me but he didn’t change all that FOR me I changed it for myself. I saw and found a life in him I didn’t believe could exist for me. I was happy, for the first time in my life, I was happy with myself, then I was happy with him. We share a love and a life that no one could understand. It’s strong and true. It’s honest. That’s why we work.
I love my husband, I thank him constantly. I often wonder, if I hadn’t found him or he, me, where I would be. What would I be doing? I don’t know the answer but I do know that I would NOT be happy. I owe some version of my happiness to my husband but in most part I owe it to myself. Like I said, I CHOSE!
To the nay-sayers,
Out of envy, you deem me unworthy of a life and a man I have chosen and sought out and worked very hard to have for myself. You know not of what you speak so callously about. Maybe in your jealous heart you wish you had my husband or a husband like him. You can not have mine, but someone like that, is certainly attainable by anyone willing to do the work. I am not a life coach or relationship guru, I am however, very happy for my life and all the people in it. For that I am grateful. I will not take your criticism or cynicism to heart because I know that misery does love company and it is sad that unhappy people will try to tear apart the happy ones.
I quote the talented Alicia Keys, “People keep talking they can say what they like; But all I know is everything’s going to be alright” And, NO! no one can get in our way. “I know some people search the world to find something like what we have. I know people will try, try to divide, something so real. So till the end of time I’m telling you there ain’t no one.”
So, in conclusion, I appreciate that you notice how wonderful my husband is but I resent that you think I don’t deserve him or that I don’t know how wonderful he is. I do.
For good measure and to have it on record here is a note especially for the man of the hour (every one of my hours).
My Dearest Darryl,
I love you more than words could express but in this I shall try. I love you. With all of my being. With every ounce of matter within this skin. Within and beyond the walls of this heart.
I vow to love you forever and ever. I vow to be your partner, your lover, your best friend. I will hold your hand at your best and especially at your worst. I trust myself and my heart with you. I bear your burdens as my own and whole heartedly appreciate all that you are and all that you do. I know how lucky I am despite my belief that it is not luck. I choose you just as you choose me.
I will choose US over all else.
With all my love and that of the universe,